I Am Lost
by cardiac78
Summary: A moment from Sark's Point of View. S/S Shippers Unite!
1. Default Chapter

Title: I Am Lost  
  
Summary: A moment from Sark's point of view. S/S Shippers Unite!  
  
Disclaimer: Alias doesn't belong to me. It belongs to JJ and ABC and Bad Robot.  
  
Pairing: Sydney/Sark  
  
Type: Action/Romance  
  
Time: While Sark is still working with Sydney at SD-6.  
  
Sark's P.O.V.  
  
I sit and I stare, it seems like all day. In meetings, at my desk, in my car. I am obsessed, and I know it, just like I was before. They are so similar, yet Sydney's my challenge. She is my equal. Irina abandoned me. She was always one step ahead, waiting for me to make my next mistake. I always thought I would forever be under Irina's spell, and then I met her daughter.  
  
Sloane looks at her with some sort of semblance of love. He has no idea how to contain and mask his father-like feelings. He knows he is being betrayed yet he still believes she is just confused and angry. Maybe Sloane would even take back the hit on her fiance. He was the man she truly loved without the interminglings of her spy life. She let that other life, her dream, blow smoke in her eyes. Now she is better, more alive. She knows that old life is just a puff of mist, a breath from Fortune that has never favored her. She talks about living her life as a spy and how it is illusory. She is so naive to push back what she knows to be true, that the dream, the illusion, the very thing that she clings to will never be. She is so strange.  
  
We walk past each other in the hallway. She acts like I am nothing to her. That will change.  
  
"Miss Bristow, I would like to speak with you regarding a conversation we once had. Do you remember, in Paris, I told you I could relate to you some information about your mother?"  
  
"Do you remember that we never had a conversation because nothing you could say to me would make a difference? You're a liar and a murderer and not of any interest to me."  
  
That will change.  
  
"So you don't want anything from me then. Well, you're right. What would you need me for since you have the source of the information herself?"  
  
Sydney's eyes flicker that fire combined with that icy stare. It's a mark of death and a glimpse of fear together trapped in such color.  
  
"What are you talking about Sark?"  
  
I just can't help laughing. How can she stop thinking of me as a worthy opponent? Does she really think I am a problem that will go away because she tells me to?  
  
After I chuckle, she lunges at me and pushes me into the women's restroom. She is so close to me with that glare. She bars the door with a garbage can and pulls her gun. I let her.  
  
"Tell me everything you know. Now."  
  
She is so excited. Her lips are so red, and everything about her is tense. She is so reactionary. Always letting her emotions get the better of her. They take over. That is why she holds onto the dream with such ferocity. Her emotions force her to. I just look at her. I can maintain my feelings. I can make her think she is meaningless to me, that she does not absorb my thoughts in any way but as an enemy that needs to be eliminated. She will never know unless I choose to let her.  
  
"I said tell me, goddamn it!"  
  
"Miss Bristow, really, is this the way you handle all the men in your life? By threatening them? I am not one of those men who will do as you say. I know many things about you because you interest me tremendously. I told you once that we could work together. The offer was a good one. Of course now, I seriously doubt some of your spy capabilities what with your decision to lock me in the women's restroom at SD-6 headquarters. It seems like a somewhat shortsighted plan, doesn't it."  
  
There is a push at the door, which distracts her. She turns. It's all I need.  
  
I pull my gun and cock it against her cheek. I take her gun away and put it behind my back. I grab her around the waist and whisper...  
  
"You should trust me more. We still have a deal. I won't expose you, you won't expose me. We're already working together on some level Sydney. Now, get it together. If I can't toy with you, then who am I to focus all this winning charm on?"  
  
That's when I don't see what's coming. Her vicious kick to my knee. I go down but manage to bring her with me. We spin each other around as she goes for her gun at my back. We're up again, each fighting to gain an edge on the other. Just then, the door begins to be pushed open with a little more force. I grab her hand before she can get to the gun. The garbage can moves forward. I pull her to me as I bring my finger to my lips.  
  
"Shhh...Sydney. This is for humanity's sake. If you get caught, what will happen to the world's savior?"  
  
She looks angry but trapped at the same time. I bring her arms around me. She resists at first until the door begins to open. I grab her at the waist and neck and lean into her. My lips meet hers. I pull her hair at the back of her head so she is moving with me in our spy dance. But I am lost in her kiss. She's not there emotionally. I can tell. She can't fool me. Why does she believe she can? I have always shown her that I am not to be forgotten or underestimated. My lips search for her despite my own intentions of just unnerving her. I am lost. I let my lips caress hers, and I try to pull her closer. I have stopped caring about our facades. I want to consume her and make her understand. I want her to be with me in this.   
  
Someone came in for a moment. I saw it just for a second. The door closed behind her, Betty, Jackie, something. She looked embarassed. She may be the one who sits near Dixon, I'm not sure. She doesn't interest me. I've seen her though. Gossip, that will get to Sydney. At least I have that. I'm not sure Sydney knows that the danger has passed. She is leaning into my neck. Her breath reaches my ear as I try to stifle a small moan. Fuck it. I turn her around, and I can see the hatred. She is beginning to realize the danger may be gone, but before she can get her knee up, I push her against the wall and kiss her lightly on the cheek. I turn quickly hoping she did not see all the color in my face or the passion still blazing in my eyes. I give her her gun back.  
  
"Don't attack me like that again Miss Bristow, or I may tell your precious handler."  
  
She pulls the gun on me one more time. She still doesn't understand anything.  
  
"Don't go looking into my life again, or I will kill you. Now stay the hell away from me."  
  
She leaves, and I follow her out the door.  
  
"I'll see you later then Sydney." I yell down the hall to her. She doesn't look back.  
  
I think I may be losing it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: Alias doesn't belong to me. It belongs to JJ and ABC and Bad Robot.  
  
She's at her desk smiling at Dixon. Talking away. She acts as if nothing happened. I should have only assumed this exact scenario would play out. She will never forgive me for Mr. Tippin's poorly conceived torture. It was all for nothing anyways. Such a waste. And now she'll never see me but as less than her.  
  
I spin on my chair a little and scan the room. I'm sure a couple of rumors have already spread throughout the office. I catch the intruder from the bathroom's eye and give her a little wink. She blushes immediately and looks directly at Sydney. This is all just so easy. Ah, I'm so glad I'm evil. Of course, I know I don't believe that. Nothing is so laid out in terms of Fate. Our lives are not set ahead in an epic good versus bad battle. If life was so easy, no one would blur the lines or stand in the shadows. I am not sure if I still blur the lines anymore or if I just smudge them a little like stepping on a chalk outline. I do not pretend to be as morally conscious as I once did. I know what I have done and what I am still capable of. That is where Miss Bristow and I differ. She will never realize her potential for blurring those lines. Instead, she stays vigorously inside them, afraid to step outside the boundaries of the definable "good." Apparently, we chose different paths and picked different lines to stand behind a long time ago.  
  
I brush past her after the meeting and slip a note in her pocket. She bristles at my "accidental" touch and is immediately suspicious of my close proximity to her. She backs away ever so slightly with a masked menace. On the outside she looks completely composed and only slightly disgusted to be standing so close to me, but underneath it all, I know. That's the part she doesn't understand. I do know her. I see her life and how she lives it. I take great pains to hide my watchful eye, but I understand it all.  
  
The note took me a while. I was not sure how to word everything exactly. I wanted her to be scared but at the same time curious. I had to entice her with some bit of knowledge so I could get at her somehow. I need to speak to her, bait her a little, for my own sanity. It's funny that such actions drive her to the brink of insanity at the same time grounding me to reality. These interactions, these small bits of furious life, they keep me sharp. I don't want to admit to myself that it's her in all of this. Not just the game we play. She's the one that makes me want to keep going. She's the reason.  
  
The note read: "Your mother is being held at CIA headquarters, Ops Center. Don't think I am not aware of the security surrounding her. You need my information, and you need it soon if you want to keep her locked up."  
  
She wouldn't let me see her reading it. Smart girl. I would've relished the chance to see her show emotions based on something I had said. I love affecting her. Getting her to accept me as an actual presence in her life. A viable presence.  
  
I walk to my car after my acting session at SD-6 is over. It is so tiresome there. To pretend as if I care aboput that organization for hours in a row. All those "agents" as they like to call themselves. They have no idea. It's kind of sad really in a pathetic way. Their inability to realize the true surroundings they inhabit. They are trapped in lie after lie. An immense infrastructure that has become their prison. They are no longer a part of reality. Soon, and unbenownst to themselves, they will become enemies of the State and its people. And they keep running and working and pushing papers filled with more lies back and forth till they have come full circle. They will never escape. And even if they do, their guilt will overcome them.  
  
Sydney jumps me and shoves me into her car before I have time to think. I should have seen it coming. Why did I have to get caught up in the mundane lives of those wretched CIA hopefuls? I try to kick her in the face or at least knock the wind out of her, but she has her taser out, and I have a feeling she may win this one.  
  
I wake up to a jolting slap to the face. She has all her weight on me with her knees on my chest and my arms tied in front of me trapped underneath her as well. We're in her car, in the back. She looks somewhere between extremely angry and a little insane.  
  
"Where are you getting your information Sark?"  
  
"Apparently from very accurate sources."  
  
She belts me across my jaw. I can taste blood in my mouth and at least know that she's no longer ignoring my presence like she used to. Although I know that she never completely misjudged me. She was always a little frightened. I could tell by her eyes. They'll always betray her. She was not as in control as she thought. I spit the blood at her and she backs off a little, probably thinking these tactics are more fitting of someone of my background.  
  
"Miss Bristow, you're so excitable around me. Can't you just daydream about me instead of always resorting to different modes of attack, especially since each mode is getting more and more irritating. I don't take too kindly to tasers."  
  
"Really, I was sure a lot of girls had used them on you before."  
  
"No, actually, you've reserved the honor of being my first in that department."  
  
"Shut up Sark, enough with the bullshit banter. Is that all you're good at?"  
  
"Well, I'm good at lots of things Sydney, just give me a chance."  
  
"What do you plan on doing with all this classified information?"  
  
I just glare at her.  
  
"Are you working with my mother on plans for her escape?"  
  
"Wow, you really don't trust her at all, do you?"  
  
She bangs my head on the floor of the SUV.  
  
"I'm getting tired of your spiteful foreplay Sydney. I have information on plans to extract your mother, but they are not my own. Her contacts in Tai Pei have gotten wind of her whereabouts. I will help you keep her in that cage you and the CIA have specifically constructed if you provide me with trustworthy back up on an upcoming mission that I have been planning. Sadly, Sloane is not to be involved. I do realize this may be a problem since you have nothing but love for that wise mentor of yours who "molded" you as he likes to say."  
  
"I'm not making a deal with you Sark till you give me proof that these contacts are real, and it's not just you that is thinking of extracting my mother."  
  
"Miss Briwstow, you have your gun out anyways. How about letting me up for a bit?"  
  
She lets me up slowly. I start to try to bring the feeling back into my hands.  
  
"I told you we should work together. Why are you making this so difficult?"  
  
"Enough Sark, the proof."  
  
She's getting frustrated, but doesn't know how to deal with me. You can tell her mind is wandering all over the place. Is her mother betraying her again? Is this a trap? Should she let the CIA in on it? I know what she is thinking.  
  
"I need you on this Sydney. I will get you the information you need by tomorrow. I will be outside your house at 7a.m. before work."  
  
"You want to carpool?"  
  
"Yes Sydney, I am very concerned about the environment. It is either this or I purchase the electric car that Marshall keeps blathering on and on about."  
  
She looks up surprised. She didn't expect a joke from me. She recovers quickly. She is so easy to mess about with.  
  
"You better have the proof with you Sark."  
  
"Of course Miss Bristow. I promise."  
  
She opens the door for me after untying my hands. We touched for a brief moment but she will always look away from me. Never into my eyes unless necessary in trying to scare me. She is so predictable.  
  
I climb down from the back of her SUV, still a little groggy. I hope she didn't notice.  
  
The morning won't come soon enough.  
**Thanks for reading everybody. I'm so glad you guys reviewed. It makes this process so much easier. Hopefully there'll be more soon.** 


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